What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
