Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize