I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
