she was so not down for the gang bang
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
