I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
