wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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