You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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