Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Shitshow foam night was such a success
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
