That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
