A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
