I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
