I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
