last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If I die, sorry about rent.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
