Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
