No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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