I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
