Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
