I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
