I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
