just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
