Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
