awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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