my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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