Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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