my phone needs a breathalizer
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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