She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize