Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
