So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam đ
how do you say âi know we havenât hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other dayâ without coming on too strong
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
