Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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