im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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