I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You're like the curious george of whores
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
