in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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