Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
