i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize