my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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