if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
