I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
sex in a hospital.. check
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
