Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i drank out of a bidet.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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