I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
