oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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