I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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