I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
