Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize