i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
