There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
