Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
