My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize