Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
