Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
