Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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