We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
