Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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