Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
