watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
