He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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