Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
