I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
smell my finger.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
