He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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