my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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