Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
