we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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