I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
