I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
