I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
