From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
