i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
