I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
